BY LOS ALAMOS VICTIM ADVOCATE

Leaving an abusive relationship does not always end the abuse. For parents who share children, separation may mean continued contact through custody arrangements, visitation, child exchanges and parenting decisions.

Continued contact can create challenges that are very different from the disagreements typically associated with ordinary co-parenting. “Co-parenting” generally assumes that both parents can communicate, cooperate, and make decisions about their children safely. When a relationship involves domestic violence, intimidation, or coercive control, those assumptions may not apply.

The National Institute of Justice has documented concerns about custody and visitation arrangements in domestic violence cases. Research summarized by the U.S. Department of Justice has found that separation and divorce do not necessarily eliminate opportunities for an abusive former partner to continue exerting control or causing harm. The research has also identified concerns surrounding child exchanges and visitation in cases involving domestic violence. For some survivors, the connection created by having children can become a continuing avenue for unwanted contact. Abusive partners may use the children as a means of maintaining power and control after a relationship ends.

Every situation is different, and not every custody dispute involves abuse. State laws also
significantly. In some jurisdictions, courts are required to consider evidence of domestic violence when determining custody or visitation. Some states establish a presumption against joint or sole custody by a parent who has committed domestic violence, while still allowing courts to consider the circumstances of each case. The issue can become especially complicated when parents must communicate about school, medical care, schedules, extracurricular activities, and other decisions involving their children.

For survivors, what may appear to be a routine parenting conversation can carry the weight of an abusive relationship. A discussion about a child’s schedule, a disagreement over an activity, or a child exchange in a parking lot can become a source of fear or conflict when there is a history of violence or coercive control.

To address these concerns, some courts and communities have developed alternatives designed to reduce direct contact and improve safety. These may include supervised visitation, protected child exchanges, and other safety measures. However, the availability and effectiveness of these options vary by jurisdiction and the circumstances of each case. For many survivors, the end of an abusive relationship does not necessarily end the abuse or its effects. Instead, they may face ongoing legal and emotional challenges as they navigate co-parenting while maintaining contact with someone they believe has harmed them.

The question is not simply how separated parents can learn to work together. In cases involving domestic violence, it is also how courts and communities can structure parenting arrangements that take safety, history, and the well-being of children seriously. For many survivors, leaving an abusive relationship is about creating distance. When children are involved, the legal system may require a connection to remain. How that connection is managed can have consequences for parents and children long after the relationship itself has ended.

You are not alone. A trained advocate can help you create a personalized safety plan and identify ways to feel safer and more empowered when communicating with your co-parent.
Resources:

 National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

 New Mexico Crisis Line:
1-855-NMCRISIS (1-855-662-7474)

 Crisis Center of Northern New Mexico
1-505-753-1656

 Esperanza Shelter:
1-888-473-5312
Local Hotline: 1-505-416-7184

 Los Alamos Victim Assistance Program:
1-505-663-3511

 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:
Call, text, or chat 988