BY GISEL MARTINEZ
Member
Los Alamos County Health Council

As our understanding of parenting continues to evolve, so does the role of grandparents. For many families, grandparents are pillars of support offering childcare, wisdom, and love across generations. But in this rapidly shifting cultural and technological landscape, their journey often includes navigating unfamiliar ideas about discipline, gender roles, mental health, screen time, and even food. This new terrain can be both enriching and emotionally challenging.

So how do grandparents stay connected, informed, and emotionally well while also honoring the values of the younger generation of parents?

The Emotional Landscape of Grandparenting

Psychologist Arthur Kornhaber, in his foundational work The Grandparent Solution, writes that, “Grandparenting is an active emotional and developmental role, not a passive one.” He identifies key roles grandparents play being mentors, historians, and nurturers but also points to the emotional stress that can arise when expectations clash.

Some grandparents may feel their experience is being dismissed. Others may find themselves biting their tongues when new parenting practices contradict their own. For example, where discipline used to involve consequences and obedience, today’s generation often promotes gentle parenting, validation of feelings, and collaborative problem-solving.

According to the book The Conscious Grandparent: A Mindful Path to Connecting With Your Grandchildren by Judy Whitmore, “It’s not about agreeing with every parenting decision your child makes it’s about being present and willing to understand.” The emotional toll of this transition is real, and so is the growth it can bring.

The Mental Health Toll and Opportunity

Recent research highlights that mental health for older adults is closely tied to their perceived sense of purpose, autonomy, and connection. When family dynamics change and roles shift, it’s natural for grandparents to experience grief, confusion, or even anxiety.

Dr. Mary Pipher, in her book Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, notes, “Older adults often feel invisible in a culture that values youth and innovation. But their role as emotional anchors is more vital than ever.” When grandparents are invited into family life not just for help, but for meaningful emotional contribution, their wellbeing improves and so does the resilience of the entire family unit.

Where Beliefs Collide (But Don’t Have to Explode)

The friction points between generations are often about values, not love. Common differences include:

• Technology: Many grandparents worry about screen time, while younger parents may see it as a tool for learning or connection.
• Gender Identity and Expression: Where older generations may default to binary roles, today’s parenting often emphasizes inclusivity, fluidity, and consent.
• Food and Body Autonomy: Insisting a child “finish their plate” used to be a norm. Now, many parents support intuitive eating and bodily autonomy.

These differences don’t need to become battlegrounds. Instead, they can be viewed as invitations for mutual curiosity.

As therapist and author Harriet Lerner writes in The Dance of Connection, “Real connection doesn’t require agreement. It requires presence, respect, and a willingness to be changed.”  Grandparents are not required to fully adopt every new trend but they are invited to listen and stay engaged.

Supporting Grandparents’ Mental Wellness

To empower grandparents in this evolving role, communities can offer:

• Mental health workshops tailored to later-life transitions and intergenerational communication.
• Reading circles or discussion groups on modern parenting topics and grandparenting challenges.
• Mentorship opportunities where experienced grandparents can share their evolving journeys.
• Access to therapy or counseling focused on family relationships and identity shifts in retirement.

Parenting will continue to evolve, just as it always has.  As Pipher reminds us, “Connection is a two-way street, paved with humility and love.” 

There are excellent resources available locally for Grandparents, including:

Las Cumbres Community Services: https://www.lascumbres-nm.org/grandparents-raising-grandchildren

LANL Foundation Grandparents & Kin Raising Children Advisory Council: https://lanlfoundation.org/program/early-childhood/grandparents-kin-raising-children-advisory-council/

The Family Strengths Network in Los Alamos also offers a support group specifically for grandparents and other relatives raising children, known as “Grandparents & Kin Raising Children Support Group”. This group provides a space for these caregivers to connect, share experiences, and find support within the community. The group meets both in-person and via Zoom.  The link to Family Strengths Network is: https://www.lafsn.org/

Gisel Martinez works for First Born Program of Los Alamos as a Home Visitor and a Certified Holistic Sleep Coach