BY DR. BOB FUSELIER
Los Alamos
If you had asked me before my retirement if I thought that my perspectives of life would change much after my retirement I would’ve answered, “I doubt it, no”. Of course, I never thought then that the death of one of my adult children would be what dictated the timing of my retirement.
Mike’s death flipped our world upside down. My wife Susie and I suddenly found ourselves members of the worst club there could be; parents who have lost a child. Yet, we discovered immediately that the experienced members of the club are some of the most amazing people we ever met.
We feel the sense of loss for many things besides the loss of our loved ones. It could be a job, our home, a pet, a divorce or relationship breakup, a move, our social status, a way of life, aging, even retirement. Anything that shakes the foundation of what we consider essential for our sense of security will be sensed as a loss.
We all deal with losses during our life, and usually not well. Our culture doesn’t handle grief very well at all, so we typically try to “get over” any loss as soon as possible. We put our energy elsewhere, because that’s what we’re supposed to do; we’re supposed to be productive, not waste time grieving. So we suppress our painful feelings, find distractions to keep our mind off them, or simply avoid thinking about our loss.
Of course, what’s suppressed will eventually find it’s way out, and the results are never good. Anger, cynicism, depression, addiction, eating disorders, health problems, and relationship problems are but a few of the consequences that follow ungrieved loss. And there’s a lot of ungrieved loss around us today.
I was “fortunate” to have my son die in the house of his brother who was a member of the LAFD. When I arrived, we were surrounded by his firefighting brothers. The chaplain for the LAFD was also there. She kept in touch and eventually recommended to Susie and I a grief support group. I’m not sure where we’d be without that help.
I had experienced loss before, but I know I never fully grieved those losses. As a veterinarian, I know I had helped people during the times when they lost pets that had been a major part of their lives. But I never thought I needed help when I lost my pets, my parents, or even our first-born son who died at birth because he was so premature. I just shed a few tears then soldiered on. And, although I felt okay being there for my clients who lost pets, I never really felt comfortable being with someone grieving the loss of someone dear to them.
Eventually, if we live long enough, we face a loss that is just too overwhelming for us to suppress. Similar to what happens during a traumatic event, our cortical areas shut down and the subconscious emotional systems take over. We find ourselves having difficulty remembering things, staying focused, and finding the motivation to do everyday activities. We oscillate between anger and deep sorrow.
We try to avoid going out in public or having people over because we never know what will trigger our deep sadness and tears. Yet, getting out and being with people is on the path to healing from loss.
Talking with others about our losses is a critical part of working through grief. There’s no better place to do that than with those who are experiencing the same thing. No one cares if you weep, sound confused, share your pain, or tell stories about your lost loved one. They compassionately listen because they know what you’re going through and that talking about it is what help gets you somewhere besides the painful present.
Sometimes the loss of a loved one takes you places you’d never imagined going. The stories so many of you shared of Mike’s great capacity to listen and for being there for his friend (and others) in need no doubt influenced my next journey in life. I became a chaplain, then a grief group facilitator, and have joined the core that works with the LAPD and LAFD. I would’ve never been able to take this journey without the support from friends who had experienced the loss of a child and the help of those from the grief groups I attended – and still do.
If you have an immediate crisis regarding a loss or any other trauma, please call 988. If you have lost someone and find yourself struggling, there is local help as well. Los Alamos is fortunate to have an in-person grief group sponsored by Rivera Family Funeral Home, Los Alamos Visiting Nurse Service, and Golden Willow Retreat out of Taos. Golden Willow Retreat also offers online grief groups, currently Monday through Thursday. Times are available on their website:
https://www.goldenwillowretreat.org/grief-support-groups/
Dr. Bob Fuselier is a retired veterinarian and author of “From Violence to Freedom: The Short-Term and Long-Term Survival Strategies of Our Emotional Systems” and the “Tip and Blue” series of children’s books.