BY JORDAN DUROSE
Last weekend I left my keys in the ignition of my old Honda because a neighbor might’ve needed to borrow it while we were away. When I got back Sunday night, I got the key out but it didn’t quite make it onto my keychain – so when I left for work the next morning, I was briefly confused but found the key just sitting in the middle of the street. Of course, Honda was still there.
Los Alamos County is a wonderful place to live. And a wonderful place to drive my 1996 Honda Accord, which has been consistently rated the most stolen car in America for the past two decades or so. Here are six reasons why I and many auto thieves love my Honda Accord.
1. HVAC CONTROLS – The knobs sometimes break off during normal operation, but you can always get replacements from the Help! section at Autozone. But the big selling point is that when you’re selecting the mode of airflow from the panel, if you push in one of the buttons, the currently selected button pops out with a nice tactile click
2. CART PUSHING – When I go to the Wal-Mart, I often see people frustrated or dissuaded from a certain parking space because someone has accidentally left a shopping cart in one or all of the available parking spaces. My superpower is that I drive a 25 year old car, which means I retain the ability to pull into one of these overlooked spaces, utilizing my bumper to send said shopping cart scampering off in search of the safety of a cart corral.
3. THIRD BRAKE LIGHT – The third, upper, or high mount brake light has been a US and Canadian requirement on vehicles since 1986. Its purpose is to help alert the people behind you “Hey, I am a priceless artifact and I am currently decelerating as quickly as my weird front rotors and base-level drum brakes will allow me!” Due to this warning, my Honda’s third brake light has prevented approximately 175,000 potential rear-end collisions assuming I use it once every two miles.
4. FM RECEPTION – New for the 1996 model year, Honda integrated the FM antenna into the rear windshield. No joke, this late 90’s Honda engineering allowed the clearest possible reception of talk radio and Santa Fe’s 95.1 “The Cat”. Previously, Honda utilized a motorized power antenna that often broke, causing horrible noises like grinding, clacking, or reception of only hard rock stations upon power on, which could be jarring for the one or two passengers you might have per year.
5. TRUNK SPACE – I once carried 1,500 pounds of concrete in the trunk of my Honda. It was horrible for everyone and my suspension, but it was still somehow possible. For most day-to-day usage, you may only put a carton of eggs, a box of soda cans, and a weeks’ dinners in there coming home from Smith’s, but the possibility looms – it’s like Narnia in there. You could be the ruler of your own kingdom. You could fill it full of appropriately sized furniture and suitcases – Honda wouldn’t care, it’s here to bump carts and chew unleaded gas – and it’s all out of carts.
6. MADE IN USA – My Honda was made in Marysville, Ohio. I’ve never been there, but if I do I’m sure I’ll return without my hand-shaking arm. The fine people of Ohio may be primarily known for such things as endless powerlines and whatever Buckeyes are, but few people know they are capable of the excellence that is my 1996 Honda Accord. America needs more of… this thing. America needs more cart-pushing clicky HVAC control perfection. Godspeed, Marysville.