BY LEAH BLACKWELL
Member
Los Alamos County Health Council
Grief is one of the most profound and universal human experiences. Though it is something most associated with the death of a loved one, grief can also come from the loss of anything that was deeply cherished, like the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or changes in health or mobility. Though intensely painful, grief is not an illness or a weakness. Rather, it is a natural, necessary process of healing and adjustment. At its core, it’s how the heart and mind respond to the absence of someone or something that provided meaning, security, or joy. To move through our grief and support others who are experiencing it, we can take an active role in our own healing and that of others through the act of presence, awareness, and gentle embracing of the process.
Whether or not your loss was recent, or sometime in the past, the holidays can be an especially challenging time. Traditions, gatherings, and memories can activate grief in ways that feel isolating. When we sit with our emotions, we can identify what our needs are in the moment, and communicate them with those around us. If the pressure to participate is overwhelming, consider what changes might make things more bearable? Having a meal at a different location, adapting traditions, and changing routines can ease some of the emotional pressure to get it just right. Treat your grief as if you were healing from a surgery or illness. Rest, reflect, and be gentle with yourself. Set realistic expectations. Skipping the holiday cards or cutting back on gifts is okay. If it just doesn’t feel good, give yourself permission to step back.
When loneliness and isolation are plaguing you, it’s okay to communicate this with others too. It can be difficult to ask for help and companionship, but remember that friends and loved ones are most often eager to help, and often don’t know how to do so. Seek time with friends, and allow yourself to lean on others. It’s okay to say, “I’m not okay, and I need support.” Finding ways to celebrate the memory of your loved one can also provide immense comfort. Making a donation in your loved one’s name, lighting a special candle, creating an altar or special space for items and photos–these are all constructive and tangible expressions of love that aid in healing. And remember it’s alright to have good times. Laughter and joy are also a part of the journey.
Maybe you aren’t currently in grief, but know someone who is moving through it. How do we support one another? Often our discomfort with someone else’s pain, or the fear of saying the wrong thing, can make us shy away from engagement and acknowledgment. This can be even more painful for the griever. Perhaps the loss was some time ago–it’s still important to acknowledge. Immediately after a loss there is a surplus of support and sentiment, but when the dust settles and it feels the world has moved on, our grief remains. It can be a gift to know that your pain and the memory of your loved one haven’t been forgotten. Though the holidays can be especially hard, they can be an opportunity to bear witness to our grief by honoring the loss and trust that healing, however slow or imperfect, is taking place.
As I’ve learned more about the experience of grief, what resonates over and over is the simple act of presence. We can’t fix it, but we can offer compassionate witness to ourselves and others. Cultivating this kind of presence begins with our own understanding of grief, and beginning to face our own fears about loss. Healing, like life’s greatest lessons, is not about a destination but a way of being, of receiving, of acknowledging. Thinking that we will someday be “over it” or “done grieving” isn’t realistic, though it does get easier to bear. An analogy by British author Jay Shetty that really stuck with me is that grief is like a heavy stone we carry, and though it never gets lighter, we grow stronger to carry it with more ease. As we contemplate grief, bear witness to it in the lives of others, and sit with our own, we can strengthen the muscles that help us carry it.
If you or someone you know is experiencing grief, please join us for grief support at Rivera Funeral Home in Los Alamos on Tuesdays at 3pm sponsored by Golden Willow Retreat Center for those 18 and up. Golden Willow Retreat Center also offers in-person zoom grief groups throughout the week. Visit goldenwillowretreat.org for meeting times. Other local resources include Gerard’s House in Santa Fe, which offers in person support groups for grieving children, and The Grief Center in Albuquerque, which offers in person support grief groups for all ages. For online resources, visit The Dougy Center (dougy.org) for more information and resources for grieving children.
Additionally, the Los Alamos Retired and Senior Organization offers many activities and special events (especially during the holidays) both in Los Alamos and White Rock, that allow seniors to connect with others and be involved. Here is a helpful link: https://larso.org/special-events
Leah Blackwell is a Chaplain at Los Alamos Visiting Nurse Service, a Grief Group Facilitator through Golden Willow Retreat Center, and Member of the Los Alamos County Health Council